Ed Shepp Etc.: 08/01/2003

My enneagram:

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

"The Enneagram is a system which divides all human behavior into nine personality divisions. Your main type is whichever of those nine behaviors you use most, in your case Type 4w3. Your mean type, Type 4w5, is who you are on average, based on the sum influence of all nine behaviors.

Most Enneagram books and tests focus on main type and use an additional "variant" classification (instead of mean type) to account for the influence of all nine behavior types. This is the same thing as mean typing, except instead of 9 delineations, there are only three. Based on your test results your variant is Sexual. So when reading other Enneagram books or websites refer to the Type 4w3, Sexual variant descriptions.

Everyone utilizes (and should utilize) all nine behaviors to some degree, the problem is how to choose the right behavior in each situation. Ideal decision making is undermined by irrational habits and irrational motives. (Habit is how you do things and motive is why you do them.) The ideal is to prioritize intelligence/knowledge (type 5 behavior) in choosing how to act and why to act. If your main type and mean type are both five, your habits and motives are usually driven by intelligence/knowledge. For any other type combo, your decision making is compromised to some degree by irrationality. The root cause of irrationality is motivation based more on feelings and instincts than knowledge. Main type / mean type 1,2,3,4s are motivated more by feelings (desire for security) and 6,7,8,9s are motivated more by instincts (desire for pleasure). Even if your main type is 5, if you have a non 5 mean type, underneath the surface of your rational manner lies an overall irrational motivation driven by instinct/feelings (extreme example: serial killer).

Intelligent thinking exemplified by the scientific method (learn/observe, theorize, experiment, analyze results, modify - repeat cycle) is the spine of progressive human evolution and becoming more fivish means applying that system to your own life. Choosing to always be a tough person (type 8), nice person (type 9), insecure person (type 4), reduces your options and compromises your problems solving ability. Remember, our thinking ability has taken us from stone age cave people to abstract thinking creative beings, so listen to your feelings but use your mind to determine what makes sense."

That Chinese guy keeps playing the SAME song over and over!!! It has the same 2 chords in the same progression over and over and he's been playing it for over a half an hour! Shut the shit offf!!!!!!!!!!!

NEWSFLASH:

Nation braces for flood of self-absorbed NYC writing

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Scientist calls gay people 'pinnacle of evolution'
Fri Aug 15, 7:59 PM ET Add Community - Planet Out to My Yahoo!

Gay.com U.K.

SUMMARY: While conservative groups dismiss homosexuality as "unnatural," a leading zoologist has said gay people could be seen as the "pinnacle of evolution."

At a time when religious and conservative right-wing groups are attempting to dismiss homosexuality as "unnatural," a leading zoologist has said gay people could be seen as the "pinnacle of evolution."

Speaking at the Edinburgh Book Festival, Clive Bromhall said that humankind's evolution has resulted in our present state of "infantilism," in which we break the primate mold by being playful, creative and childlike right into adulthood.

"From men's obsession with swollen breasts to our constant search for a pseudoparental God, everything about the human species is infantile," Bromhall said in a lecture.

"Like baby chimps, we have soft, downy bodies, flat faces and large, rounded heads. Like them, we too want to be kissed, cuddled and stroked; we remain playful, compliant and comparatively mild-mannered for the whole of our lives," he added.

Bromhall claims that infantilism is rejected by straight people as they age -- and that by remaining in same-sex relationships, gay men and women are actually displaying superiority over their peers.

"We've known for years that homosexuality is linked to a playful, creative character," he said.

"Homosexuals excel as artists, thespians and other playful, mimetic professions. Being playful is at the heart of being human. It's something that should be celebrated. You could say that homosexuals are at the pinnacle of human evolution."

Bromhall was speaking to promote his new book "The Eternal Child" at the festival.

I always suspected it! Beep!!

David S. relates:

I notice fat people can't stand other fat people. They look at them with a sense of disgust and sometimes say to themselves "God, He's FAT!" My queen-wannabe boss

is like that. He's a troll in the making. The only reason he "spritzes" his hair so high is to conceal a bleak future of baldness. He HATES fat people.

Left Coast in 2004!

This is funny - I've made the popdizzy approved list! I can't believe I hadn't noticed before. That's cool. Well, at least somebody out there approves of me. Sigh. Look at it here and popidzzy is here.

Beep.

Here are some San Francisco (I think they're all SF) blogs to read:

I have to get back on something. I'm dying, I tell you, just dying. It's like NK said in The Hours: "I'm dying in this town!!!"

I'm NOT doing

cux of the ridiculous withdrawal symptom. For the same reason I'm definitely not doing

or

.

I might consider

cux of its long half-life or

, cux it worked before, has no sexFX, and is unserotonergic. And I've heard good things about

, but I'm not sure about it.

I'm still not sure whether does much; maybe I'll have to try

, but I don't know whether it will do anything either.

We'll see. We'll see what the pdoc says.

I just read a headline that Jerry Falwell is fighting "full-time" against gay marriage. This is probably the best thing that could happen to the debate over gay marriage, cux Falwell is such an idiot. He's the best argument FOR the cause! Wheeee!!!

from Cranky and Bored:

Dear God:

I am not a pussy like Pat Robertson, so I will go ahead and ask you what I really want to ask you instead of sugar-coating it for the media. Oh lord of, um, lords, I guess, and primo badass of creation, please give Pat Robertson rectal polyps. Like really nasty pulsing, bleeding ones that make him want to hit himself in the balls repeatedly to distract himself from the pain. And maybe bitchslap him a couple of times and tell him that Shawn says hi. Oh yeah, and could you get around to doing something nasty to Ashcroft? I know he hasn't been in the headlines as much these days, but he's still a fucking cockmonger that could stand a little heavenly wrath upside his self-righteous little head. Come to think of it, if you could shove Ashcroft's head up Robertson's ass, that would pretty much be good all around. Sorry for asking you for shit like some kind of crackhead, but I figure you probably already hate those fuckers anyway for always begging you and doing stupid shit in your name, so I thought this would give you a good excuse to send them to hell without having to take the blame, since you could say that you were just hooking me up. Oh, and thanks for the clouds yesterday; they were pretty fucking cool.

You da man, love Shawn.

It's Time to Quit!

It's time to quit.

This old, but it got-damn funnzdy:

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as
we try WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not
in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do not bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see
an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet

Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in
peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create
a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Imagining the proper ingredients for a good scent this fall...

...Did I miss anything?

People I know/knew/have met who have blogs/journals:

A.C.

sistermystery

Alan

a wrighter

doublecool

zeebahtronic

I'm at alt.coffee. I don't know what the FUCK I wanted to log in to talk about. I guess that's why I wanted to put something on Ramblings or something.

Well I just updated my profile on strictlypersonals and reactivated it. I forgot to put the most germane thing on the profile, though - on the 'why you should get to know me' part I really should have put 'because I'm totally fucking EASY. If you're superhot in my book (and I usually only go for people that I totally will never ever ever ever have in the whole future history of the planet), then I am the toally easiest lay in the whole mega world. That said, I haven't had sex in too long to type. So basically I'm the EASY VIRGIN. I really should have put that down. Of course, to bed me, you have to both be superhot but also be able to somehow manage to make me feel that you're not making fun of me or something like that. You have to make me convinced that you really want me and ONLY ME. Cux if I'm with someone and he wants me and all and then he starts flirting with someone else, IT's OVAH, bootatch. FOREVER. Gouat, these people are so fucking distracting me behind me.

Of course because I have updated the profile does not mean that I'm dating or that I want to meet anyone from the internet again. I hate meeting people from the internet - they love you love you love you love you until they meet you and then it's like turning on a cold faucet. Either they don't like you or you don't like them or no one can cross that gap and actually tell the other that 'hey, I think you're hot and blah blah blah blah.'

I hate everyone. I hate these people behind me. I hate the fact that there isn't more twine in the world. I hate that guy who works here at alt.coffee cux he's so damn fine. I hate fine people. I hate the fact that everyone is so fine. I hate the fact that Ritalin doesn't work. I hate the fact that antidepressants don't ever work. I hate that everyone has sex. I hate womens' magazines that say that if you don't have sex at least twice a week you should be boiled in cholesterol hair treatment.

But what do I love? Pumpkin spice smell. It's like I've said it before - it's the only thing that keeps me going. The only thing AT ALL. That and the beautifulness that I can impart to my pictures through the magic of photoshop. That and farting on the subway so that other people will feel miserable.

Dammit I want a place to sing. I finally got those Bjork CDs today, and I wish I had a place to caterwaul the lyrics. CATERFUCKINGWAUL them!!! In fact, that's what I'm finna do when I get home. Minus the actuall caterwauling. I'm going to fucking listen to Possibly Maybe and pretend that I had a relationship once. I am Queen Motherfucking Elizabeth. I am Queen Elizabeth Wurtzel is who I am. I am a fucking virgin. A total fucking virgin. Except that technically I'm not a virgin. I've just never known any kind of love with another person. Like, I've SORT OF known love with myself, but not really. Falling in love with yourself is love in some weird Barbie way, like playing Barbies. The Barbie life that I played with my sister when I was a toddler was more motherfucking real than ANY of the life that I've lived since I left home. I expected that I'd actually LIVE (and I think for some drug-soaked portion of my college life I actually did), but I didn't. I assumed when I moved to New York that some kind of Life would happen to me, but it didn't. I found a job and thought I'd have extra money with which to create a life, but it never happened. I invented a blog. I could invent a life in the said blog, but, well, it's too damn exhausting. I have chronic fatigue of the soul. Am I dead? Am I dying? Should I have had someone come inside me at least once in my life so I could have had the injection of actual life into my body? My heart is beating, but is it? Maybe there's just some weird subwoofer there that someone implanted sometime and it beats. And that's why it sounds so foriegn and that I can't can't can't stand to listen to it. Hearing my heart beat freaks me out. Why is that? I used to think that it was because it makes me feel like I'm going to die. Is it really that it reminds me that I actually AM dying? I used to think I was dying in Atlanta. I'm dying here. I've BEEN dying. Ever since the last time I saw Jasmine Simone E'Mon Monet I have been on a slow march to death. Maybe my prince DID die years ago as I used to say, and I'm just here basically tracing his steps into the grave. Sigh. I could say more but I feel like the computer is going to shit out any moment like it did at the last place, where I threw a tantrum and basically got the session free.

Oh damn everything!

This is what I want for this weekend. This and only this.

Beep.

From the mail:

I haven't tried this and don't know that I will, but thought I'd let you know about it. Apparently, when some stars are eager to speed up their weight loss, they drink a tuna daiquiri for lunch or dinner once a day. To try it, blend together the following:

2 scoops zero-carb whey protein powder
1 banana
1 can (6 oz) water-packed white albacore tuna
Ice and water (to taste)

Well I was at Bath and Body works over the weekend and they have their fall fragrances out now. That's a good thing. The smell of spiced pumpkin is one of the few things that makes life (barely) worth living.

In fact, every year I find myself saying to myself 'One more autumn. I'll stick around for one more autumn. One more Halloween and spiced-pumpkin.' It's one of those things that keep you going. So I bought the 2 pack of plugins.

Halloweeen. Sigh. Ahhhh, Halloween. It's the other thing that keeps me going. It's the one day of the year when I can actually be Britney Spears. It's the one day when I can walk around in little more than a felt leaf and actually feel sexy,

without the usual crap and the self-consciousness and whatever. If there were only some way I could make every day Hallooboobooweegeran, then I might have actually become something by now.

Here's a big thanks to Dot from work who burned me the 3 Björk CDs that I love so well, Post, Homogenic and Vespertine. Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!! Now I have music for the next zillion years.

So I'm putting her link up here in tribute.
Be warned - it's a little overwhelming. I have 65 pictures of me up on the net. She has about 30,000, most from her wedding. Here's a small sample.

Click here for the link

...And this is about 1/500th of the pictures that they have, since there are not only pix on this site, but pix from the professional photographer and from friends, etc. etc. etc. And people call ME self-absorbed!!!!! Hmmph!!!!!!!

A couple things from the peculiar one:

Porn Biz Comes Clean About Fake Semen Accusations: "The geyser effect is often achieved through the use of a clear tube taped to the actor's cock and an air compressor."

Keds Masturbation Manual (not safe for work)

Shagnasty's Penis Owners Manual

IOL : 3-legged boy with two penises 'doing well': "3-legged boy with two penises 'doing well'"

Top Ten Urinals

Yay for the peculiar one!!!!!

A Tribute

This pageant is mine.

Don't call it ass, call it buginda!

Sometimes I use a drop of dishwashing liquid.

I am nothing to be toddled with!

Mashala!!

Roseanne Barr has become beautiful, and part of that is a miracle of modern techboonology, since she's had about 10,000 plastic surgeries. But she looks fantastic. I even hate to say it, cux I hate to kind of knock how she looked before and reinforce the current nazilike standard of American beauty. But she looks great now. I wonder what all of that plastic surgery could do for me! I'd probably only get a few things done, though, and I won't mention them.

I think I'm going to have to get some kind of device that I can carry around with me and when I press its button it will emit various courtesies like 'thank you' and 'you're welcome' and 'excuse me,' cux I can never say those in real life. They always sound so stupid when I say them, and I sound stupid saying them, cux they don't come naturally to me. I would rather avoid courtesies altogether. The whole thing is just a big pain in the ass (much like the person who just came by my desk - why should the universe have allowed it that these people can just come by my desk?! It should be some law of nature that people can't just come by my desk and drop off work or other crap. And where are those Bjork CDs that someone was supposed to burn for me?!)

I actually know someone who's participating in a scrabble tournament this weekend. In Williamsburg, of course. I love the idea of that. It's so hipster. I wish I were the type of person who would participate in a scrabble tournament but lose his temper when challenged and pick up the scrabble board and throw it against the wall. And regurgitate on it. I would love to have the ability to 'target regurgitate' on will. I think I would have to throw up on some of these people here at work regularly. Honestly, some of these hyperobese women smell so bad they make you want to regurgitate. I think it's cux they sweat between the fat rolls and that stinks them up. But I'm not sure, and others don't agree with me.

Dammit I'm so fat!!!!! I hate being fat!!!! (Even though the fat is actually localized around my midsection, and I still probably look better than my former roommate.) But I HATE it!!! I want lipo!!! Cheap, nonsurgical, side-effect free lipo that ONLY I have access to!!!!!!

BLAMN!!!!!!!