Why does no one I know keep a motherfucking blog?! I keep noticing all these people talking about all their friends, linking to their blogs, within their blogs, and I don't know anyone who can do that for me. Cux none of these goddamn motherfuckers even keeps a fucking blog!!!! I hate these goddamn motherfuckers!!!

You know, there is this group on livejournal - from skimming their blogs as I do, I think they're all in rehab together!!! Fucking imagine!!! A bunch of bloggers in rehab together! Who the fuck KNEW!! And then there are other bloggers who room together, and bloggers who date, I imagine, and then just bloggers who hang out together and all that shit. I can't even imagine all of this. I can't fucking even imagine it. I mean, the main reason I started blogging was to document my life. it's the same reason why I made hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of live tape of the life I once had at the Big Cup and other places. If someone mentioned me and their life with me in a blog, regularly, that would be like a dream!!!! I really need to get a group of friends who are filmmakers, photographers, writers, journalists, flyer-artists (if this category of personhood doesn't exist, then I just invented it), etc. so someone else can be documenting my life. If it's just me doing it, then that's a rather tenuous documentation - it might as well be that I don't exist at all, even! Damn, if someone could just fucking write about me, and not the usual crap that people do or the usual pagoogle about what they write about, then I think I would feel as if I were actually living. maybe I could actually do something. (Probably not, see here). Still, it would be nice to finally be on the receiving end of the recognition. It be nice to be on the receiving end of anything, for that fucking matter - a gift, a sincere compliment, a cock attached to someone actually hot, a pay bonus. I'm always the one on the receiving end of the short side of the stick: I get stuck with switching schedules at work with some fucker cux I'm single and can actually do the switch; or I get stuck feeding someone's cats; or I get the difficult work in the department cux I'm the only one with a little tiny bit of goddamn competence. Or I fucking get people talking shit about me because I'm better-looking or more talented than they are.

Oh how ironic is all of that: people have talked and done shit to me for so many years because I possessed more potential than they ever did; but the result of all of it was that it stuck. I have no belief in myself. I can't accomplish anything. Yet I still try to persevere on, but I usually feel like I'm wading through some gigantic swamp, and I have to take all these rests and usually never even make it to my destination. I know that I should be a lot further along in whatever than I am; I know that I'm capable of more; I know that I have talents here; it's just impossible to bring them to anything. There have always been so many insurmountable obstacles in my way that I've basically just given up. I want to triumph, but I don't think that I can.

Dammit now I'm more depressed and full of rage than ever. All I ever wanted was to really accomplish something. To really matter. And now I just hate the world. Fuck you ALL

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